He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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