You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
me + whiskey = a bad person
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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