I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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