Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
