There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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