i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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