Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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