dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
