my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
