and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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