Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So squirting runs in the family.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize