I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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