Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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