i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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