did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
