What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
