..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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