I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
