I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
