You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
