I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
