Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
