I must be too annoying 4 u.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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