If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
