i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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