Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
