So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
