well I can't set my house on fire every night
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
