I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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