The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
