I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
