tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
