I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
