I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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