So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
