Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
