like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
