meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
