I can text with my tongue
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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