So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
