Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
