I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
