textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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