I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
