we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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