My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
