Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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