she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
