It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
