I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
