the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
